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To the 25% of Americans Who Want to Secede: See Ya, Wouldn’t Wanna Be Ya!

“Let’s just let them all go. Give them the territory they would have had under the confederacy. Let’s see them create a thriving economy, and have an adequate armed forces to secure their borders. Let’s see how they fair without the billions of dollars in federal funds that red states get every year to make up for their governors’ decisions to decimate their tax base. A confederacy at this point would be rife with so much comedic fodder, I’m half tempted to move to a red state just to help foment the outrage necessary to get it on board with leaving.”

To the 25% of Americans Who Want to Secede: See Ya, Wouldn’t Wanna Be Ya!

Let’s just let them all go. Give them the territory they would have had under the confederacy. Let’s see them create a thriving economy, and have an adequate armed forces to secure their borders. Let’s see how they fair without the billions of dollars in federal funds that red states get every year to make up for their governors’ decisions to decimate their tax base. A confederacy at this point would be rife with so much comedic fodder, I’m half tempted to move to a red state just to help foment the outrage necessary to get it on board with leaving.”

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John Boehner Just Broke the Irony Meter

“I just can’t give Boehner a pass when it comes to judging work ethics, because the man clearly doesn’t have one. Under his “leadership,” the most important thing Congress has done is fake repeal Obamacare over 50 times and spend over 14 million dollars chasing their tails over Benghazi. When they weren’t wasting valuable taxpayer money on votes they knew would go nowhere, they were letting Teddy Cruz talk them into shutting the whole damn government down, which of course was a $24 billion experiment in idiocracy.”

John Boehner Just Broke the Irony Meter

I just can’t give Boehner a pass when it comes to judging work ethics, because the man clearly doesn’t have one. Under his “leadership,” the most important thing Congress has done is fake repeal Obamacare over 50 times and spend over 14 million dollars chasing their tails over Benghazi. When they weren’t wasting valuable taxpayer money on votes they knew would go nowhere, they were letting Teddy Cruz talk them into shutting the whole damn government down, which of course was a $24 billion experiment in idiocracy.”

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Bernie Sanders Won’t Win and He Shouldn’t Run, But It Has Nothing to Do With Hillary

“Senator Bernie Sanders won’t win in 2016, can’t win in 2016, and shouldn’t even run, and before you even think it — this has nothing to do with Hillary Clinton.”

Bernie Sanders Won’t Win and He Shouldn’t Run, But It Has Nothing to Do With Hillary

Senator Bernie Sanders won’t win in 2016, can’t win in 2016, and shouldn’t even run, and before you even think it — this has nothing to do with Hillary Clinton.”

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Apparently Supporting Democracy Means Something Different to President Obama

“But if he wasn’t going to tweet support for independence, and he is of course entitled to his own opinions on everything, Obama should have maintained radio (or in this case, Twitter) silence. When asked about it by reporters, he should have simply remarked about how powerful democracy is, and that he hoped no matter the outcome, that peaceful acceptance of the vote tally would prevail. He should have said that we as Americans support democracy where it springs up, and that as long as the elections are free and fair, everybody wins in the long run. “

Apparently Supporting Democracy Means Something Different to President Obama

But if he wasn’t going to tweet support for independence, and he is of course entitled to his own opinions on everything, Obama should have maintained radio (or in this case, Twitter) silence. When asked about it by reporters, he should have simply remarked about how powerful democracy is, and that he hoped no matter the outcome, that peaceful acceptance of the vote tally would prevail. He should have said that we as Americans support democracy where it springs up, and that as long as the elections are free and fair, everybody wins in the long run. “

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Why Don’t We Teach Kids That Being Conservative Means You’re a Selfish Prick?

"So you know what? I’ll strike a deal with Mr. Hannity. He can feel free to pump his kids full of any grotesque hatred of the LGBT community he wants, as long as he agrees that I get to teach my kids that conservatives are selfish pricks. I’m going to tell my sons that when you have an inferiority complex, mixed with a sense of inbred entitlement and combine with crippling paranoia about an ever-changing world that’s always been ever-changing and will always be ever-changing, you sometimes wind up with a conservative."

Why Don’t We Teach Kids That Being Conservative Means You’re a Selfish Prick?

"So you know what? I’ll strike a deal with Mr. Hannity. He can feel free to pump his kids full of any grotesque hatred of the LGBT community he wants, as long as he agrees that I get to teach my kids that conservatives are selfish pricks. I’m going to tell my sons that when you have an inferiority complex, mixed with a sense of inbred entitlement and combine with crippling paranoia about an ever-changing world that’s always been ever-changing and will always be ever-changing, you sometimes wind up with a conservative."

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72% of Americans Don’t Trust the Republicans They Will Give The Senate Anyway

“The only place on Earth that a 28% rate of passing is good, and not abject failure is in the game of baseball. Being a .280 hitter when you’re facing people who can chuck a ball at you at over 100 miles per hour is an admirable accomplishment, worthy of self-praise. But in every other area of life, if you fail to impress 72% of the people who pay your paycheck, you’re utterly and completely fucked. And yet, how come the GOP can be so smug about this year? How come the pundits can so easily predict either further stagnation, or even worse a big Republican year?”

72% of Americans Don’t Trust the Republicans They Will Give The Senate Anyway

The only place on Earth that a 28% rate of passing is good, and not abject failure is in the game of baseball. Being a .280 hitter when you’re facing people who can chuck a ball at you at over 100 miles per hour is an admirable accomplishment, worthy of self-praise. But in every other area of life, if you fail to impress 72% of the people who pay your paycheck, you’re utterly and completely fucked. And yet, how come the GOP can be so smug about this year? How come the pundits can so easily predict either further stagnation, or even worse a big Republican year?”

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Want to be more like ISIS? Ban Evolution in Your Classrooms

"…in the end, what’s the difference between lopping off the head of a journalist and bombing an abortion clinic or murdering the doctors that work there?”

Want to be more like ISIS? Ban Evolution in Your Classrooms

"…in the end, what’s the difference between lopping off the head of a journalist and bombing an abortion clinic or murdering the doctors that work there?”

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Re-institute the Draft? How About Fuck That and Fuck You?”Goodman argues that since “Our troop levels are far too low for another war” he agrees with former-VA Affairs Secretary General Shinseki that, “…if we’re going to occupy Iraq again, we need more soldiers.” But here’s a novel concept that I can’t believe Goldman doesn’t understand — what if we don’t want or need to occupy Iraq again?”

Re-institute the Draft? How About Fuck That and Fuck You?

Goodman argues that since “Our troop levels are far too low for another war” he agrees with former-VA Affairs Secretary General Shinseki that, “…if we’re going to occupy Iraq again, we need more soldiers.” But here’s a novel concept that I can’t believe Goldman doesn’t understand — what if we don’t want or need to occupy Iraq again?”